


An Open Letter to the Man Who Loves Him Next From the Man Who Loved Him First

by Lily_Padd_23



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Because it's a letter, Discussion of Death, Episode: s02e02 In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part 2, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Letters, M/M, POV First Person, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-03 17:37:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19468840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lily_Padd_23/pseuds/Lily_Padd_23
Summary: Josh writes a letter.Just in case.





	An Open Letter to the Man Who Loves Him Next From the Man Who Loved Him First

They said the worst is behind me, but that I won’t be out of the woods for the next three days. At this point, they’re beating around the bush, but what it sounds like is things could go either way. My lung is so unstable right now, that one coughing jag could end the whole shebang. Since there’s still blood in my breathing tube, and I tend to be a prepare-for-the-worst kind of guy, I’m just going to go ahead and get this down while I’m able to lift a pencil, even if it is kind of morbid. Bear with me if my handwriting isn’t up to par. Collapsed lung and everything. 

If you’re reading this, you probably already know that I’m Josh Lyman. Or at least I was since the only reason you’d be reading this is if the worst did in fact happen, and I am dead. 

At this point, you are also probably intimately familiar with the subject of this letter, Sam Seaborn, though, I’m going to do myself a favor and try not to think about how intimately familiar you are in too much detail. 

I also don’t know how much Sam will have told you about me, but you at least are aware of the fact that Sam and I were in love. More than that, we were together for nearly ten years by the time I was shot and apparently did not recover from the subsequent high-risk, highly invasive surgical procedure. Point is, I don’t know what I did to get to be the first man he ever loved, but from that unique position, I would go so far as to say that I can offer some insight into being with Sam Seaborn that you can’t exactly find anywhere else. I’m not trying to step on your toes or anything, bro, I just know that I certainly found myself wishing that he came with a handbook on more than one occasion, so I figured I’d at least try my hand at covering the bullet points. Bullet points. Too soon? 

So here are some things that you need to know about Sam that he won’t tell you. Because even though he wears his heart (and his monogrammed cuff links) on his sleeve, some of the most important things to know about Sam are the things that Sam doesn’t even know about Sam. And since I’m the only man in the world who knows them, I thought we could talk, man-to-man about my man. Our man. Your man. 

I’ve known Sam since he was nineteen, loved him since he was twenty-one, and lived with him since he was twenty-five. I watched him walk across the stage to accept his BA in English from Princeton, I stayed up with him while he studied for the bar, I’m the first person he came out to, and I’m the first man he was ever with, I spent too much of my starting government salary on long-distance phone calls and gas money to New York, I spent a campaign trail crammed in a bus across the country with him, I worked beside him, slept beside him, argued beside him, argued against him, cried with him, cried over him (don’t tell him that), laughed with him, laughed at him most of the time, and loved and was loved by him for nearly every stage of his life. 

I’m not calling myself the official Sam Seaborn expert, but were there to be a Sam Seaborn expert, it would be me. And I will be the first to tell you that getting close to him is extremely taxing. On the other hand, I’ve gotten some of the greatest minds of our time elected to Capitol Hill and the greatest President in half a century to the White House, but loving Sam Seaborn takes the cake for the most rewarding challenge I’ve ever faced. 

That’s the first thing I want you to know. Any time it feels like all he will ever do is drive you bat shit, I promise you the moments where all you can do is just sit back and revel in his splendor and kindness and brilliance always, always last longer than the urge to clock him does. All the debating, all the exasperating behaviors, all the navigating his highs and lows, all of that is a small price to pay for getting to be loved by him. He wouldn’t be who he is without being the kind of person to die on every hill regardless of how insignificant it is. Like the fucking toilet seat. Just leave it down. When you are pissed at him or he’s pissed at you, just don’t forget that he’s worth it. Because at the end of the day, Sam’s a passionate person with a big personality. And my guess is that you probably are, too, and friction is to be expected. But even when he’s fighting, Sam isn’t going to be the kind of person to hurt you, like really hurt you. He doesn’t take cheap shots. He’s usually just arguing about the principle of the thing. He fights fair. Most of the time. 

That’s number two. He is an extremely principled guy, which you already know by now. And it can be easy to let your demons stoop you down to a level that is beneath him just so you can win the fight. Don’t. Don’t play dirty with Sam. He won’t play dirty with you, and you don’t want to lose Sam's respect. God help the man who loses his respect. If you’re ever tempted to go for the low blow, the below the belt jab, about his parents or his compulsions or his failures, realize the reason is because he’s probably right and your logic isn’t holding up anymore. Concede. 

Number three is that work comes first. As much as he loves you, work comes first. We took that for granted in each other because I’m the same way, but in case you aren’t, you can’t let that make you feel bad about yourself. What we do is important. What I did, what he does. And coupled with that, Sam would throw himself wholeheartedly into whatever it was he happened to be doing. He’d be the most dedicated bus boy you’ve ever seen. But right now, he happens to be working for the President of the United States. He always makes up for it, but things will slip. Most nights will be late nights and most mornings will be early mornings. Dates will be missed. Work will come home. Anniversaries might have to be postponed. If you wait up for him, you’ll never sleep. The sooner you get that, the easier your life will be. 

I wasn’t going to give you this, but kiss him behind his left ear. On his eyelids. On the back of his knee. Between his collarbones. About half way up his inner thigh. Trust me. 

Just because he likes doing housework, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pitch in where you can. He is very particular about how to clean things and organize things. It’s a lost cause to try and learn all his systems. Rather than try and butt in and do the cleaning and the straightening, just try not to make more work for him. Don’t leave big messes. He never resents doing chores around the house, and he’ll probably still go back behind you and change things, but just, you know. Don’t be a slob just because you’ll know he’ll clean up after you. Don’t take advantage of him. Don’t leave your laundry and shit all over the place, and take out the trash without having to be asked. It’s not that hard.

Most of the contention you’ll have with Sam is when he doesn’t feel like he is in control. The household chores are just one example of that. He doesn’t need to be in control of you, but he needs to feel like he has control of himself and of his surroundings and of his emotions. He’ll get the most upset when he feels like control is slipping through his fingers, be it at work or with his parents or otherwise. The best way to help him through that is by letting him have control of other aspects of his life. Let him pay for dinner without putting up a fight. Let him initiate sex. Let him have his little rearranging the furniture spree. Let him feel like he is in control of the parts of his life that he can be to compensate for where he is losing control. 

What you don’t want to do is pretend to be any less intelligent than you are. Sam gets off on informing people of things they don’t know. So it can be tempting to pretend not to know something he’s telling you to make him smile, but he usually picks up on that. It’s always better to turn around and tell him something that he didn’t know about the topic. Just like it’s always better to correct him when he’s wrong than it is to let his infrequent mistakes slide. Rather than it being a blow to his ego, he’ll be excited to have learned something new. Additionally, even though being the smartest person in the room is a pretty big turn on for him, your being the smartest person in the room will make him want to jump you right there. Unless he’s very sleepy or very drunk, in which case, “That’s really interesting, sweetie” or “No I didn’t know that, tell me more” are your best choices.

Sam’s a sucker for daffodils.

The last thing you really need to understand is that Sam loves out loud. He shows his love with words and lots of them. It’s a little overwhelming how intense he can be. And sometimes, when you open a birthday card and he’s written ten pages about how much he adores you, it can feel like he expects the same back from you. But I suck at talking about my feelings. It took me a while to figure out that just because that’s how Sam shows his love doesn’t mean he is waiting for you to monologue about your feelings, too. He is a smart guy, and he will respect that you might show your love very differently, you just have to show him. I liked getting him presents. And sometimes I’d make him dinner when he wasn’t expecting it. Though you have to be careful about surprises with him. The whole control thing. Anyway, he understands that not everyone is going to be as verbose about their feelings or gushy with their love like he is. He understands that not everyone shows their love in the same way. So whatever way that is for you, show him. 

Sam was the love of my life. I wanted to grow old with him. Sam’s still got a lot of life left, and I know that he’s the kind of man who won’t be able to help loving again and loving hard. I know that, if I’m gone, there will be someone else eventually. I know that he’ll find you, and I know that if he loves you, you are a good man. So I want to conclude by saying thank you. Thank you for giving him what I couldn’t. For giving him what got taken away from me by neo-Nazis with bad aim. Sam has a heart that needs to be poured out and poured into. He’s a long-term kind of person who relishes commitment and loyalty. So thank you for being there for him. I know that there will be times where he is still grieving me. I don’t mean that I’m so great or anything, but he’s not the kind of person who will move on quickly, and as his first love, I’ll always hold a place in his heart that is mine alone. I’m not saying that to scare you off or make you feel less than. Sam just loves that hard. So thank you for being patient with him for that. I know it might hurt sometimes, but he will never let you doubt his love for you. Not for one second. 

To illustrate this point, let me tell you that he has been sitting by me for as much of the thirty-six hours that I’ve been out of surgery as they’ll let him. He has wiped drool and blood from my mouth without judgment. He shaved my face because the nasal tube was rubbing against my stubble and he decided I’d be more comfortable after a shave. He has walked me to the bathroom, practically carrying me, and crouched on the floor by the toilet the whole time I struggled to take a crap. He has fed ice chips into my lips. He has sat up with me for hours while I agonized and while the nurses make sure I can breathe, just a steady presence by my side. He is asleep in the chair next to me right now. I don’t think he’d slept since it happened. He won’t leave me for a minute that he doesn’t have to. He hasn’t been hovering or crying or talking down to me. He’s kept track of my medicines and doesn’t bat an eye to pat sweat off my brow or give me space when I need it. 

They told me that the second thing I said when I woke up was to ask for Sam. He’s been exactly what I’ve needed, and I can tell he’s been exactly what I’ve needed despite this being the first time I haven’t been pretty delirious. That’s what it’s like to be loved by him. Fully, unconditionally, passionately, and intelligently. I would say that I don’t deserve him, but he thinks I do, and who am I to question him?

Looking at him now, I have a feeling that this whole letter probably won’t end up being necessary. Sam isn’t going to let me die. Maybe he’s rubbing off on me a little. But if these next seventy-two hours do take a turn for the worse and you are reading this, thank you for giving him the love he deserves. Thank you for giving him a second chance at happiness. All I want is to see Sam happy. I know that’s so trite it barely means anything anymore, but I lack Sam’s ability to make everything sound original and beautiful. That’s all I can say. 

I’d do anything to see Sam happy. And right now, I think what would make him happy is if I don’t die, so I’m going to sign off here and go back to focusing on not dying for him. But also for me, because I somehow ended up in a life where I get to love him, and I’m not giving that up without a pretty hard fucking fight. 

Sincerely,  
Josh Lyman

P.S. Sam snores. Not loudly. But he will tell you he doesn’t snore. But I swear to God, he snores. He’s snoring right now, in fact.

**Author's Note:**

> None of these characters belong to me, as always!!!
> 
> This is very different than what I normally write. And I'm much more comfortable writing as Sam than Josh. But I love the idea of being so fundamentally understood, so I wanted to play with this format and this is what happened. And these two sure do understand each other. 
> 
> You can follow me on Twitter for mostly political rants and some West Wing stuff @Lily_Padd_23


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